Regrets

Running always clears my mind and today while I was running I started thinking about my life and things I have done in the past. I don’t often have regrets but I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had done things differently, made different choices or taken different paths. And as I reflected on those things I heard a small voice in my mind saying “One day I might regret those things, but today is not that day”. As oftentimes happens when I run and my mind runs too those thoughts stayed with me most of the day. In order to get them out of my head, I must get them down in print. So, I share with you my thoughts:

One day I might regret having never gone to college. But today is not that day because I realize all of the doors that opened up for me regardless.

One day I might regret never having pursued a career in music. But today is not that day because I sing for myself and it brings me pleasure and hopefully it brings pleasure to those that hear it.

One day I might regret marrying three times. But today is not that day because I would not have the beautiful children that I have had I not done that and I would not have recognized and appreciated love when it presented itself.

One day I might regret being associated with some of the people in my past. But today is not that day because they each brought something into my life that wasn’t there before.

One day I might regret making the choice to be a single mom. But today is not that day because my daughter has grown into a beautiful, independent young woman who spent her teenaged years being raised by a man that was better than any biological father she could have had.

One day I might regret being so brutally honest with my opinions. But today is not that day because my mind and conscience are clear.

One day I might regret having a child at the age of 38. But today is not that day because he teaches me something new every day and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

I realized as I was typing this that through life’s unpredictable journey that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with exactly the person I am supposed to be with exactly the children I am supposed to raise and with exactly the friends I am supposed to be surrounded by. But most importantly, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, faults and all. This is how we are molded. I don’t think that one day I will regret any of this. It’s the ride of a lifetime and I’m hanging on with my hair blowing in the wind and a smile on my face and no regrets.

The Lighthouse

The Lighthouse is a signal to sailors that land is near. It creates a sense of relief, calm, excitement, and energy in the captain and crew. It tells them that no matter how tired and weary they are, safe harbor is near and their journey is almost complete. As I think of the lighthouse I think of the people in my life that have made me feel the same feelings the lighthouse makes the sailors feel. I am fortunate that I have had many lighthouses in my life and still do. Each of my friends has unique personality traits that draw me to them but they also have many that are similar to each other. They all make me feel safe and loved and free to express myself without fear of ridicule. But in looking at their individual traits they all offer something different. Some are calm and the voice of reason, some are high energy that leave my head spinning with ideas, some are warm and comforting and reassuring, some have a quick wit and a strong tongue, some are quiet and wise, some are patient and persistent. Yes, they are all very different, yet very much the same. After evaluating their personalities, I began to ask myself; what did I bring to the friend table? Of course, I had what I hoped were the obvious answers but still felt there was something missing in what I was offering. I decided to do an experiment and take all of the qualities that I admired most in all of my friends and roll them into one person-Me. I didn’t want to recreate “ME” but I wanted to fine tune what was already there. So, I slowed down a bit and started really listening, and not just hearing, when someone was talking to me. What I learned was, everyone has a need and in their conversations, they express that need, but we have to be listening to hear it. Once we listen and hear what the other person is saying, we can be the lighthouse in their life at that moment on their journey. I’m not saying to be fake or become someone that you are not. I’m saying turn your listening ears on and follow your heart. You will know when someone is hurting, or proud, or excited about an idea or project, or not feeling well-instinctively we KNOW this but do we give back what that person needs? Do we give them that sense of relief, calm, excitement and/or energy that the lighthouse does? Do we empower them to become better themselves?

Here, I need to give a word of caution. Just as there are wonderful, fulfilling relationships, there are also toxic ones. There is a fine line because we don’t want to become a doormat or co-dependent. When someone starts sucking the life out of us and the air around us no longer holds any oxygen, it becomes an unhealthy relationship and we must step away and sometimes that is a painful step to take. But when the lighthouse is beckoning and the waters are poisoned, it’s time to find another shore and another lighthouse. But that subject is a blog for another day.