Winds of Change

For the past ten years I have worked at the same office, talked to the same people everyday, sat at the same desk five days a week, eight hours a day. I worked in the same industry for twenty years, the brokerage business. While the industry is constantly changing and evolving and there were new things to learn, to an extent on a daily basis it was like being in the movie “Ground Hog Day”. Sometimes in the mornings before work, I would sit in my car in the parking, enjoying those last few moments of solitude and I would watch as slowly more cars pulled into their same parking places. Even though we didn’t have assigned parking it was like being in a Baptist Church where you and your family sat in “your” pew every Sunday, and you always knew when a family was visiting the Church for the first time because they were sitting in the “wrong” pew!! But I digress, so back to the parking lot; I sat and watched the same cars pull in, the same people get out and walk the same path into the building every single day!!!! It always struck me as a little robotic but over the past few years it has become almost as if I were watching drones make the journey mindlessly, and unemotionally every day. If one were to observe the parking lot at five o’clock in the afternoon, one would see those same drones make the journey back to their vehicles and home to their families, still mindless, unemotional and now tired having given the best of their energy and time to someone else. For many years I was a single mom and so very thankful to have a job that paid decent, had good insurance and allowed me a few weeks of vacation-it felt “safe”. But as I grew older that was no longer enough. I felt cheated, my children were growing up too quickly and I missed so much of their lives by always being at work. I felt my time was more valuable than what I was being paid. Over time I began to hear that voice speaking louder and more often that their must be more to life than THIS. There WAS more to life but in order for me to find that I would have to make a change. And as much as I would like to think that I embrace change a little more than the next person, I will honestly say that it was very difficult for me to step out of my comfort zone and initiate the changes that I knew had to take place in order for my situation to change

Now, I am listening to the voices, initiating change and making a turn down a new path. I am leaving the job I have spent the last decade of my life at and I am going into business for myself. I have discovered that change is frightening, invigorating, energizing, and it makes me refocus on the big picture instead of the day to day drone-ness!!! Nothing ever stays the same, whether it’s by our choice or someone else’s. But change doesn’t always have to bad, change just has to be different. If we don’t have different we will never make mistakes, we will never grow, or learn or become the person we were meant to be. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not advocating that everyone go to work tomorrow and quit their jobs but what I would challenge you to do is to take a chance, do something you have always wanted to do, take one step closer to your dream.

Regrets

Running always clears my mind and today while I was running I started thinking about my life and things I have done in the past. I don’t often have regrets but I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had done things differently, made different choices or taken different paths. And as I reflected on those things I heard a small voice in my mind saying “One day I might regret those things, but today is not that day”. As oftentimes happens when I run and my mind runs too those thoughts stayed with me most of the day. In order to get them out of my head, I must get them down in print. So, I share with you my thoughts:

One day I might regret having never gone to college. But today is not that day because I realize all of the doors that opened up for me regardless.

One day I might regret never having pursued a career in music. But today is not that day because I sing for myself and it brings me pleasure and hopefully it brings pleasure to those that hear it.

One day I might regret marrying three times. But today is not that day because I would not have the beautiful children that I have had I not done that and I would not have recognized and appreciated love when it presented itself.

One day I might regret being associated with some of the people in my past. But today is not that day because they each brought something into my life that wasn’t there before.

One day I might regret making the choice to be a single mom. But today is not that day because my daughter has grown into a beautiful, independent young woman who spent her teenaged years being raised by a man that was better than any biological father she could have had.

One day I might regret being so brutally honest with my opinions. But today is not that day because my mind and conscience are clear.

One day I might regret having a child at the age of 38. But today is not that day because he teaches me something new every day and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

I realized as I was typing this that through life’s unpredictable journey that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with exactly the person I am supposed to be with exactly the children I am supposed to raise and with exactly the friends I am supposed to be surrounded by. But most importantly, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, faults and all. This is how we are molded. I don’t think that one day I will regret any of this. It’s the ride of a lifetime and I’m hanging on with my hair blowing in the wind and a smile on my face and no regrets.

The Lighthouse

The Lighthouse is a signal to sailors that land is near. It creates a sense of relief, calm, excitement, and energy in the captain and crew. It tells them that no matter how tired and weary they are, safe harbor is near and their journey is almost complete. As I think of the lighthouse I think of the people in my life that have made me feel the same feelings the lighthouse makes the sailors feel. I am fortunate that I have had many lighthouses in my life and still do. Each of my friends has unique personality traits that draw me to them but they also have many that are similar to each other. They all make me feel safe and loved and free to express myself without fear of ridicule. But in looking at their individual traits they all offer something different. Some are calm and the voice of reason, some are high energy that leave my head spinning with ideas, some are warm and comforting and reassuring, some have a quick wit and a strong tongue, some are quiet and wise, some are patient and persistent. Yes, they are all very different, yet very much the same. After evaluating their personalities, I began to ask myself; what did I bring to the friend table? Of course, I had what I hoped were the obvious answers but still felt there was something missing in what I was offering. I decided to do an experiment and take all of the qualities that I admired most in all of my friends and roll them into one person-Me. I didn’t want to recreate “ME” but I wanted to fine tune what was already there. So, I slowed down a bit and started really listening, and not just hearing, when someone was talking to me. What I learned was, everyone has a need and in their conversations, they express that need, but we have to be listening to hear it. Once we listen and hear what the other person is saying, we can be the lighthouse in their life at that moment on their journey. I’m not saying to be fake or become someone that you are not. I’m saying turn your listening ears on and follow your heart. You will know when someone is hurting, or proud, or excited about an idea or project, or not feeling well-instinctively we KNOW this but do we give back what that person needs? Do we give them that sense of relief, calm, excitement and/or energy that the lighthouse does? Do we empower them to become better themselves?

Here, I need to give a word of caution. Just as there are wonderful, fulfilling relationships, there are also toxic ones. There is a fine line because we don’t want to become a doormat or co-dependent. When someone starts sucking the life out of us and the air around us no longer holds any oxygen, it becomes an unhealthy relationship and we must step away and sometimes that is a painful step to take. But when the lighthouse is beckoning and the waters are poisoned, it’s time to find another shore and another lighthouse. But that subject is a blog for another day.

What's In Your Past?

What’s in your past? Does it matter? It’s true that events and decisions of the past shape us into the people we are today. Without those events and decisions there would be a part of us that was not complete. But some people live their days beating themselves up for events and decisions of their past. Our past does NOT define us and while some people would chose to think that our past is our present, it is not and it is certainly not our future.

We were each created unique. We each have unique traits, looks, thoughts and there is not another person like you on the planet! Wow! How does that make you feel? Special? It should, because you are. No one can do the things that you can do. YOU have something to offer the rest of us and we need it. Don’t hide what you have because you feel guilty about something from your past. Or worse, hold back your feelings for someone else because of events of your past. We shouldn’t let fear paralyze us from making decisions about our future because of something that happened in our past. There was only one perfect person to walk among us and he walked on water, I haven’t seen anyone do that lately so I think it’s pretty safe to say none of us are perfect. We shouldn’t strive to be perfect. Sure you should aim high but not for perfection—you will be disappointed every time. And that disappointment will lead to self doubt and low self esteem. So, don’t set yourself up for failure. You aren’t perfect, you are unique and special and have many gifts to offer others. Focus on that versus beating yourself up for what has happened in your past. There is a line from the movie “Lion King” where the crazy monkey bonks the lion on the head with his stick. The lion rubs his head and asks “Hey, what was that for?” to which the monkey replies “What does it matter, it’s in the past”. My thoughts exactly—what does it matter? Today is what is important, right now, this moment in your life and how you will spend it. Your past is over and your tomorrow may never come.

The Shit!!

I am convinced this world has gone to hell in a hand basket,--who came up with that phrase anyway? Why not just say it’s the shit!!! Yup, about sums it up. When neighbors poison each other’s animals because they bark too much , and gangs wage war over territories, which are really no more than streets, and men rape women and little girls just because they are bigger and stronger and they can, and women kill their babies because they make too much noise, I would say we passed hell a long time ago and now we are in the shit. If you think about this world that we are leaving to our children too long it becomes rather terrifying. But, you might ask, what can just one person do? Volunteer!! Find a cause!! Give your time!!! Give yourself!!! Give your heart!!! It’s all fine and good to go around preaching be kind to your neighbors, show them a smile and a kind word. But if you don’t walk the walk, ya shouldn’t talk the talk, and that is where a lot of people get themselves in trouble. We WANT the world to be a better place but how badly do we want it? What are we willing to sacrifice so that our children don’t inherit the shit? And don’t give me the “I’m too busy for that” line. That will send my blood pressure into absolute orbit. If you don’t TAKE the time, where do you think your future is going? It’s gonna get flushed, that’s where it’s going!!! And if you don’t TAKE the time you can pretty much just say you’ve also pulled the handle on your kid’s future too.

Anyone that knows me knows that I do A LOT of volunteer work. I am very involved in the American Cancer Society, various coalitions including Healthy Initiatives and the Cancer Coalitions, and I would like to become more involved in the battered women’s shelters and working with youth challenge programs. Why? Because I’m tired of the shit and I believe one person CAN make a difference. There is a trick to volunteering that took me a while to figure out. If it’s not something you are passionate about, you are not going to see it through. And sometimes it takes volunteering in more than one capacity before you find your passion. But just keep trying on hats until one of them looks fabulous on you because when you know you look good, you feel good, and have more energy to give it your all. And that is what successful volunteering is all about, giving it your all. No matter what the odds, stick to what you believe and always do it for the right reason. Volunteering because you want recognition or writing a check for a donation so you can use it as a tax write off is NOT the right reason. Volunteering because you want to make a difference in someone’s life is the ultimate reason.

In the beginning many volunteers want to be involved because they feel it will help them “heal”. Whether it be someone that has been through an abusive relationship and wants to teach others that they have worth and don’t have to stay in that environment, or whether it be someone, such as myself, that has lost too many loved ones to cancer, or whether it is someone that was abused as a child and wants to help others heal from that experience and teach them their past doesn’t define them, or whether it be an alcoholic or drug addict that hit rock bottom but had a hand that reached out to them and saved their lives and are now ready to be that hand themselves. Whatever the “healing” reason, the ultimate goal is to make someone’s life better by your efforts, because you care. Yes, volunteering does help you to heal, but what happens when the healing is done? You look around and find yourself surrounded by people who may not be perfect but are on the road to a better life, because of your efforts and may one day return that favor to someone else.

So, to get us out of the shit, I recommend we start trying on volunteer hats and find one that fits and wear it proudly. One person CAN make a difference, one person at a time, one life at a time, slowly and methodically, not letting any obstacles stand in the way of giving someone hope. If we can do this and teach our children, the next generation to do this, we can travel back through hell, and up through the toilet and out into the sunshine again. Sure, there will always be evil in the world and along with that will come evil people in the world. But we wipe out the evil that we can and eventually the toilet paper comes out clean.

How Many Birthdays Does It Take?

How many birthdays does it take until the child in us is completely gone? Through the years we lose the innocence, the naivety, and the wonder that we are born with as children. As we grow up we learn to accommodate society by adhering to certain rules and expectations. Life experiences sometimes harden our hearts in relationships and make it difficult to allow others into our lives. We begin to have certain expectations of our own and begin to judge others accordingly. We take for granted simple things in life like sunrises and sunsets. In the blur that life becomes we forget how to laugh, how to truly love, and how to give of ourselves completely. Today is my birthday. Birthdays always remind me of children and I can’t help but think of how life would be if we carried more childlike traits into adulthood. This is what I’m thinking:

We should say what we think and state our opinions often with little regard to proper etiquette. We should make friends easier, without judgment or criticism. We should play hard until sweat pours off our foreheads and we reek of the outdoors. We should give hugs when we feel like it, not just during the “appropriate” times. We should take in the smallest details as if it were the first time we were seeing them. We should not have to eat anything we don’t like and we should not have to clean our plates unless we are truly hungry. We should be more agreeable when things don’t go our way and just move on and find something else to do. We should snuggle often and soak in the smells of the person we are snuggling with. We should always question what we don’t understand without fear of ridicule. We should believe there is nothing we can not do. We should love with all of our hearts and forgive easily and without a grudge. We should share our favorite desserts with our BFF’s. We should play on the swing set and slide down the slides more often. We should not be afraid to get dirty or to play in the rain. We should cry at sad movies and laugh out loud at the funny parts, even if no one else thinks it’s a funny part. We should learn to color with crayons and feel how relaxing that can be. We should learn to dance the crazy chicken dance. We should learn to laugh at ourselves. We should know that sometimes someone can kiss our bo-bo’s and make them better if we let them. We should trust that our friends and family will play nice with us and not dwell on whether our heart will get hurt. We should stay in the bathtub until our fingers and toes have wrinkles. We should find such pleasure in doing something that we lose track of time and are able to truly enjoy the moment. We should never forget the words to lullabies. We should find friendship and love where we find it, not in where we are “supposed” to find it. We should have at least one person in our life that we feel totally and completely “safe” with.

Life would be so much simpler and more fun don’t you think?

Learning to Live in the Moment

This blog is really just me talking to myself. I have this conversation with myself often and this issue is one of my biggest challenges. I don’t think I’m the only one with this challenge so I thought I would share my thoughts and let you hear me talking to myself. I am a type A, overachieving, professional multi-tasker!!! Seriously, I could teach a class on “How to Multi-Task”. There has been tons of research done on multi-tasking and most of the results have not been very positive. The findings show that people that mutli-task really don’t get that much more done because they are trying to do so many things at once that they usually mess up most of the things they are trying to do and have to go back and re-do. If that’s one thing I really dislike it’s re-dos!!! I don’t want to waste my time re-doing something, even if I’m the one that messed it up. So, I’ve decided they were just doing their research on the wrong people! Had they done their research on me, they would have found a type A, overachieving, professional multi-tasker that gets it right almost every time the FIRST time. What the research doesn’t show is who pays for my multi-tasking abilities? I have read to my son since he was a baby every night before he goes to sleep. When he started school, he started reading to ME before he went to bed. If we are reading a book for school, he has to do all the reading because that’s his homework, not mine. But if we are reading a book for pleasure, I thought it would be a neat idea if we took turns reading; he reads a page then I read a page. My thought was this would give us some interaction and hold both of our interests from page to page. What usually happens is since I am a professional multi-tasker, I am doing something else while he is reading his page. I might be filling out his school lunch form, or checking his homework, or on my Blackberry checking emails and texting. By contrast, when it is my turn to read, he sits patiently listening, doing nothing, just being in the moment and absorbing the details of the story. One night as I was reading my page, he took out a play cell phone and started “texting”. When I asked him what he was doing you’ll never guess what he said??? His answer was “I’m multi-tasking Mom” Wow!! Here’s your sign!!! Since that night I have tried really hard to focus my attention on the moment. I never knew how hard that would be.

Many “successful” individuals will tell you the way they became successful was by following a to-do list every day. Since I am a professional multi-tasker that means I have a time allotted for all of the things I need to do and if I get interrupted, that means I can’t get everything done or I have to stay up until mid-night doing it because I had a “counseling session” with my daughter or a “life lesson” with my son. When did completing our to-do lists become more important than the moments we have with our families? At the end of the day when I reflect back on the events of that day I always find moments when I wished for a “do over”. I want to be able to go back and just STOP and BE IN THAT MOMENT. As I said, this is something that I have struggled with for a long time and it is something that I do try to improve upon. But I have to make a conscious effort to “be in the moment”—I have no problem being in several moments all at once (lol) but when it comes to concentrating on just that ONE fleeting moment, I have a difficult time. I do feel I have made progress in this area, when someone is talking to me and I find myself wanting to continue to write or type or text I now try to listen to that voice in my head that says “Stop, don’t do it! Focus on this moment.” A quote that I recently came across sticks in my head at those moments “The greatest gift you can give someone is your time and your attention”.