What's In Your Past?

What’s in your past? Does it matter? It’s true that events and decisions of the past shape us into the people we are today. Without those events and decisions there would be a part of us that was not complete. But some people live their days beating themselves up for events and decisions of their past. Our past does NOT define us and while some people would chose to think that our past is our present, it is not and it is certainly not our future.

We were each created unique. We each have unique traits, looks, thoughts and there is not another person like you on the planet! Wow! How does that make you feel? Special? It should, because you are. No one can do the things that you can do. YOU have something to offer the rest of us and we need it. Don’t hide what you have because you feel guilty about something from your past. Or worse, hold back your feelings for someone else because of events of your past. We shouldn’t let fear paralyze us from making decisions about our future because of something that happened in our past. There was only one perfect person to walk among us and he walked on water, I haven’t seen anyone do that lately so I think it’s pretty safe to say none of us are perfect. We shouldn’t strive to be perfect. Sure you should aim high but not for perfection—you will be disappointed every time. And that disappointment will lead to self doubt and low self esteem. So, don’t set yourself up for failure. You aren’t perfect, you are unique and special and have many gifts to offer others. Focus on that versus beating yourself up for what has happened in your past. There is a line from the movie “Lion King” where the crazy monkey bonks the lion on the head with his stick. The lion rubs his head and asks “Hey, what was that for?” to which the monkey replies “What does it matter, it’s in the past”. My thoughts exactly—what does it matter? Today is what is important, right now, this moment in your life and how you will spend it. Your past is over and your tomorrow may never come.

The Shit!!

I am convinced this world has gone to hell in a hand basket,--who came up with that phrase anyway? Why not just say it’s the shit!!! Yup, about sums it up. When neighbors poison each other’s animals because they bark too much , and gangs wage war over territories, which are really no more than streets, and men rape women and little girls just because they are bigger and stronger and they can, and women kill their babies because they make too much noise, I would say we passed hell a long time ago and now we are in the shit. If you think about this world that we are leaving to our children too long it becomes rather terrifying. But, you might ask, what can just one person do? Volunteer!! Find a cause!! Give your time!!! Give yourself!!! Give your heart!!! It’s all fine and good to go around preaching be kind to your neighbors, show them a smile and a kind word. But if you don’t walk the walk, ya shouldn’t talk the talk, and that is where a lot of people get themselves in trouble. We WANT the world to be a better place but how badly do we want it? What are we willing to sacrifice so that our children don’t inherit the shit? And don’t give me the “I’m too busy for that” line. That will send my blood pressure into absolute orbit. If you don’t TAKE the time, where do you think your future is going? It’s gonna get flushed, that’s where it’s going!!! And if you don’t TAKE the time you can pretty much just say you’ve also pulled the handle on your kid’s future too.

Anyone that knows me knows that I do A LOT of volunteer work. I am very involved in the American Cancer Society, various coalitions including Healthy Initiatives and the Cancer Coalitions, and I would like to become more involved in the battered women’s shelters and working with youth challenge programs. Why? Because I’m tired of the shit and I believe one person CAN make a difference. There is a trick to volunteering that took me a while to figure out. If it’s not something you are passionate about, you are not going to see it through. And sometimes it takes volunteering in more than one capacity before you find your passion. But just keep trying on hats until one of them looks fabulous on you because when you know you look good, you feel good, and have more energy to give it your all. And that is what successful volunteering is all about, giving it your all. No matter what the odds, stick to what you believe and always do it for the right reason. Volunteering because you want recognition or writing a check for a donation so you can use it as a tax write off is NOT the right reason. Volunteering because you want to make a difference in someone’s life is the ultimate reason.

In the beginning many volunteers want to be involved because they feel it will help them “heal”. Whether it be someone that has been through an abusive relationship and wants to teach others that they have worth and don’t have to stay in that environment, or whether it be someone, such as myself, that has lost too many loved ones to cancer, or whether it is someone that was abused as a child and wants to help others heal from that experience and teach them their past doesn’t define them, or whether it be an alcoholic or drug addict that hit rock bottom but had a hand that reached out to them and saved their lives and are now ready to be that hand themselves. Whatever the “healing” reason, the ultimate goal is to make someone’s life better by your efforts, because you care. Yes, volunteering does help you to heal, but what happens when the healing is done? You look around and find yourself surrounded by people who may not be perfect but are on the road to a better life, because of your efforts and may one day return that favor to someone else.

So, to get us out of the shit, I recommend we start trying on volunteer hats and find one that fits and wear it proudly. One person CAN make a difference, one person at a time, one life at a time, slowly and methodically, not letting any obstacles stand in the way of giving someone hope. If we can do this and teach our children, the next generation to do this, we can travel back through hell, and up through the toilet and out into the sunshine again. Sure, there will always be evil in the world and along with that will come evil people in the world. But we wipe out the evil that we can and eventually the toilet paper comes out clean.

How Many Birthdays Does It Take?

How many birthdays does it take until the child in us is completely gone? Through the years we lose the innocence, the naivety, and the wonder that we are born with as children. As we grow up we learn to accommodate society by adhering to certain rules and expectations. Life experiences sometimes harden our hearts in relationships and make it difficult to allow others into our lives. We begin to have certain expectations of our own and begin to judge others accordingly. We take for granted simple things in life like sunrises and sunsets. In the blur that life becomes we forget how to laugh, how to truly love, and how to give of ourselves completely. Today is my birthday. Birthdays always remind me of children and I can’t help but think of how life would be if we carried more childlike traits into adulthood. This is what I’m thinking:

We should say what we think and state our opinions often with little regard to proper etiquette. We should make friends easier, without judgment or criticism. We should play hard until sweat pours off our foreheads and we reek of the outdoors. We should give hugs when we feel like it, not just during the “appropriate” times. We should take in the smallest details as if it were the first time we were seeing them. We should not have to eat anything we don’t like and we should not have to clean our plates unless we are truly hungry. We should be more agreeable when things don’t go our way and just move on and find something else to do. We should snuggle often and soak in the smells of the person we are snuggling with. We should always question what we don’t understand without fear of ridicule. We should believe there is nothing we can not do. We should love with all of our hearts and forgive easily and without a grudge. We should share our favorite desserts with our BFF’s. We should play on the swing set and slide down the slides more often. We should not be afraid to get dirty or to play in the rain. We should cry at sad movies and laugh out loud at the funny parts, even if no one else thinks it’s a funny part. We should learn to color with crayons and feel how relaxing that can be. We should learn to dance the crazy chicken dance. We should learn to laugh at ourselves. We should know that sometimes someone can kiss our bo-bo’s and make them better if we let them. We should trust that our friends and family will play nice with us and not dwell on whether our heart will get hurt. We should stay in the bathtub until our fingers and toes have wrinkles. We should find such pleasure in doing something that we lose track of time and are able to truly enjoy the moment. We should never forget the words to lullabies. We should find friendship and love where we find it, not in where we are “supposed” to find it. We should have at least one person in our life that we feel totally and completely “safe” with.

Life would be so much simpler and more fun don’t you think?

Learning to Live in the Moment

This blog is really just me talking to myself. I have this conversation with myself often and this issue is one of my biggest challenges. I don’t think I’m the only one with this challenge so I thought I would share my thoughts and let you hear me talking to myself. I am a type A, overachieving, professional multi-tasker!!! Seriously, I could teach a class on “How to Multi-Task”. There has been tons of research done on multi-tasking and most of the results have not been very positive. The findings show that people that mutli-task really don’t get that much more done because they are trying to do so many things at once that they usually mess up most of the things they are trying to do and have to go back and re-do. If that’s one thing I really dislike it’s re-dos!!! I don’t want to waste my time re-doing something, even if I’m the one that messed it up. So, I’ve decided they were just doing their research on the wrong people! Had they done their research on me, they would have found a type A, overachieving, professional multi-tasker that gets it right almost every time the FIRST time. What the research doesn’t show is who pays for my multi-tasking abilities? I have read to my son since he was a baby every night before he goes to sleep. When he started school, he started reading to ME before he went to bed. If we are reading a book for school, he has to do all the reading because that’s his homework, not mine. But if we are reading a book for pleasure, I thought it would be a neat idea if we took turns reading; he reads a page then I read a page. My thought was this would give us some interaction and hold both of our interests from page to page. What usually happens is since I am a professional multi-tasker, I am doing something else while he is reading his page. I might be filling out his school lunch form, or checking his homework, or on my Blackberry checking emails and texting. By contrast, when it is my turn to read, he sits patiently listening, doing nothing, just being in the moment and absorbing the details of the story. One night as I was reading my page, he took out a play cell phone and started “texting”. When I asked him what he was doing you’ll never guess what he said??? His answer was “I’m multi-tasking Mom” Wow!! Here’s your sign!!! Since that night I have tried really hard to focus my attention on the moment. I never knew how hard that would be.

Many “successful” individuals will tell you the way they became successful was by following a to-do list every day. Since I am a professional multi-tasker that means I have a time allotted for all of the things I need to do and if I get interrupted, that means I can’t get everything done or I have to stay up until mid-night doing it because I had a “counseling session” with my daughter or a “life lesson” with my son. When did completing our to-do lists become more important than the moments we have with our families? At the end of the day when I reflect back on the events of that day I always find moments when I wished for a “do over”. I want to be able to go back and just STOP and BE IN THAT MOMENT. As I said, this is something that I have struggled with for a long time and it is something that I do try to improve upon. But I have to make a conscious effort to “be in the moment”—I have no problem being in several moments all at once (lol) but when it comes to concentrating on just that ONE fleeting moment, I have a difficult time. I do feel I have made progress in this area, when someone is talking to me and I find myself wanting to continue to write or type or text I now try to listen to that voice in my head that says “Stop, don’t do it! Focus on this moment.” A quote that I recently came across sticks in my head at those moments “The greatest gift you can give someone is your time and your attention”.

Making Things Happen in 2011

Every year on January 1st thousands of people make New Year’s Resolutions. They vow to save money, lose weight, be more patient with their spouses and children, get a better job etc. I stopped making New Year’s Resolutions many years ago when I found that they were the same every year. My resolutions were the same because I had failed to accomplish them the year before. I failed to accomplish them the year before because after I promised myself to do those things, I stopped right there. Who knew I was supposed to have a plan to make it happen??!!! When I figured out how to make a plan, my resolutions became reality.

I think over the years the term New Year’s Resolution has become convoluted. Most people think that a New Year’s Resolution is a promise to ones self to do something. The dictionary defines the word “resolution” as a solution or settlement to a problem; it doesn’t say anything about a promise or even a goal. If that is the case then we must first identify the problem(s). Once the problem(s) is identified, we can then decide the best course of action for eliminating that problem. I have listed below some actionable ideas that I have learned over the years in the hopes it will help you achieve a resolution!!

1. Be Specific: set time lines, give yourself numbers to follow (I am going to lose 10 pounds this month)
2. Be Flexible: Don’t be afraid to add to your goals or to modify them. Life will ALWAYS get in the way and you will always have set backs. Expect them, but don’t throw the list out, just modify it so that it is achievable, but not impossible.
3. Be realistic. You will never lose 50 pounds in one month. Don’t set yourself up for failure.
4. Visibility: Keep ‘em where you can see ‘em. Some people make a “goal board” by cutting out pictures from magazines of houses, cars or vacation spots and put them on their board.
5. Accountability: Tell people what your goals are. It helps to keep you accountable if you know someone else is watching to see if you will make it and they can help support you in your efforts.
6. Reference often: Refer back to your to-do list often. It does you no good to write it down if you never refer back to it.
7. Take baby steps every day: No matter which goal you are working towards, always include steps every day, week, month etc that will bring you closer to realizing that goal.
8. Mark through your goals as you achieve them. This will give you a sense of accomplishment and you will be able to visually see how you are getting closer to your long range goals.
9. Celebrate your successes. When you lose 40 pounds, not only mark it off your list but reward yourself doing something for yourself (that doesn’t involve food)
10. As you accomplish your goals, set new ones. A successful life is a fulfilled life, and a fulfilled life is one in which your goals have been met.

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEEPS!!!!

Happy Birthdy Daddy!!

My father was raised by an alcoholic mother and a physically abusive step-father. They made it their life’s mission to make sure he grew up with no self confidence and a lot of anger. The only thing that saved him from prison or death was the fact that he joined the Air Force and he married my mother. As his birthday nears (December 9th), I am walking back through my life and looking at all of the ways in which he molded me.

My youngest memories are of riding on his back like a horse and my older memories consisted of him giving me a ride to the bus stop on his bicycle (he rode it to work). Looking back over the years my Dad taught me so much and probably not things that most Dad’s taught their daughters. He taught me to play football, not just the rules of the game but how to physically play the game. And play I did, whenever the neighborhood boys got together for a game I was right in the middle of it, and it wasn’t touch or flag football either, no way Jose’ it was full body tackle with no pads. I was in heaven and Daddy was on the sidelines cheering me on!!! On Sundays we sat together and watched the games on TV. We rooted for our favorite teams and argued over the calls by the officials. He taught me how to check and change the oil in my car. He also showed me how to check all the fluids and the tire pressure. He taught me my multiplication tables and how to balance a checkbook. He taught me the value of putting money aside in a savings account (I didn’t learn that lesson too well). He taught me through example the importance of volunteering and helping others and that it’s not always about us. He taught me that the world is not always fair. He let me take my falls and learn my lessons. He taught me how to run and was probably my first exposure to exercise. Mostly I played while he was running around the track but I will never forget his persistence and determination to finish. He taught me how to give HIM a massage and a good head rub. I remember having lunch dates with him—just me and him and man did I feel special. But he never showed favoritism, he would take my sister the next month on a date. He taught me how to cut grass and while my friends were spending their summers babysitting I was taking the boy’s jobs and cutting lawns in the neighborhood. He taught me how to cook gravy and mashed potatoes from scratch. One of my favorite memories is of him joining me at the piano with his guitar and we would sing together, for hours. We also sang duets together at Church and Sunday School, I was probably twelve at the time. He never put limits on me and never told me I couldn’t do something. He never laughed at any ideas that I had. He always told me to go for it. He empowered me to believe there was nothing I couldn’t achieve.

In 1985 he was diagnosed with oral cancer. He was very proud and wouldn’t talk to us about his feelings or his fears. He battled cancer for 14 years. I was with him when the oncologist told him there were no more trial studies for him to do and there were no more treatments or medications for him to try. The best they could offer was to give him medication to make him comfortable and they sent him home to die. That was the second time in my life I have ever seen my father cry (the first time was at his mother’s funeral). By this time I no longer lived at home but I would visit him often and try to give my mom a break as she was the primary caregiver. He had lost the ability to talk because the tumors were so massive, the only way he could communicate was by writing on a chalk board and towards the end he was too weak and too medicated to even do that. Sometimes we just lay on the bed together, I would read aloud to him while he dozed. I learned to feed him through a tube and to clean and medicate the tumors on his face. We planned his funeral together, right down to the pall bearers, the Church and the music, to include the bag pipes at the cemetery. He died December 2, 1999, fourteen years after he had been diagnosed with cancer. He was one week short of his 65th birthday.

My Daddy had every opportunity to be an abusive father and husband. He fought demons in his mind all of his life. I never knew how much of a struggle it was for him to be the great dad that he was, he certainly didn’t have any role models to follow, he acted out of instinct and love. He was not perfect by any means, but considering where he came from and his low self esteem he could not have raised two girls to be any more independent and self confident had he had the perfect childhood himself. He pulled himself up out of the ditch many, many times and accomplished many wonderful things in his life and touched many lives through his volunteer efforts. He taught me how to live and he taught me how to die. Happy Birthday Daddy!

Just Sittin

It produces calmness, it teaches you self discipline, it soothes your soul, it give you focus, it puts things into perspective. Most of you have heard of the benefits of meditating. Many of you have tried the practice of meditating. Many of you have mastered the art of meditating. If you are in the later category you have my extreme admiration!!! No matter how many times I have tried I can’t quite seem to get the hang of it. My mind goes everywhere and the more I try to calm it the more “everywhere” it goes. But there is still hope. I recently read a magazine article and the author was looking at it from a totally different perspective than what most of us have probably heard about, and I think for those of us that have yet to master the art there might just be a way yet.

The author of the article, Amy Gross, attended a weekend retreat with Joseph Goldstein and Sharon Salzberg, who brought mindfulness meditation home from India. The idea is to pay attention each moment to your senses, emotions and thoughts, without resistance or judgment and to follow your breathing “in” and “out”. Contrary to what we’ve all read about meditating, it does not require that you sit in a certain position, facing the sun with eyes closed and finger tips touching for hours. Goldstein and Salzberg teach to find a comfortable position using good posture when you have the least amount of interruptions and sit for as little as five minutes to start. Sometimes it helps to close your eyes as it will help you focus on your other senses. Strive to understand your other feelings and senses with total focus. How does your skin feel? What does your breath sound like as the air goes through your nostrils and into your lungs? Listen to your heart beat. What are the smells around you? Goldstein and Salzberg teach not to resist your thoughts as they come to your mind but to think through them, one at a time. This is a totally different concept than what we’ve learned before. They teach to finish one thought and begin another, don’t rush through them, don’t stress over them, don’t “dwell” on them, think through them and move on to the next thought—totally relaxed and at peace. In doing this you will find it creates a mindset that allows you to deal with life on an everyday basis in a more relaxed way. Even if the thoughts are painful ones, don’t resist, explore your feelings, experience your feelings, and accept your feelings. Goldstein says “Acceptance is the key. Resistance locks in the feeling. Meditation offers infinite opportunities to open our grip. We see that we don’t lose anything by letting go-we’ve just quit an exercise in futility. Peace, according to the Buddha is the greatest happiness. And isn’t that what you said you wanted?”