Choices

There is a guy that runs in the park and has been running there for at least two years. He runs like the wind, seriously he's hella fast, and he runs for like an hour. When I say "runs" he doesn't do like I do and run for a little while then walk for a little while-he's running the whole time. If you're a runner you will appreciate watching him, he's graceful, makes it look effortless and his footfalls are like a cats'; I walk louder than he runs! When he flies past me he's not huffing and puffing like he's about to die. As a matter of fact he sometimes startles me as he silently approaches me from behind. I am in awe of people like that. People that are that dedicated, that consistent and that fit. To exercise is a choice. To eat healthy is a choice. Once the choice is made the hard work begins. Life is the same. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to make a difference. And once those choices are made we are left to hold ourselves accountable, and then the works begins. It may be uncomfortable in the beginning but given time lifestyle changes will become second nature. And one morning you will awaken and realize you no longer have to give yourself the pep talk. Then it will be time to make other choices. That is how we evolve as people. That is how we evolve as the human race. And that is how we will survive and triumph and live to see a world that is better for us having been a part of it.

Where Is God?

I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church. "Raised" is the best way to describe my time at Church. My parents felt they were doing the right thing by dragging us there every Sunday morning, evening and for Wednesday supper. I was always a child full of questions and from an early age I questioned many things about "religion". When no one could answer my questions to my satisfaction, I lost all interest in organized religion. I curse, I drink wine, I am impatient, I ask a lot of questions about religion and to this day I still do not attend Church. All of this makes me a very unlikely candidate for someone to spread the word of God, wouldn't you agree? But if you know your Bible, you will know that the Disciples that Jesus chose were far from perfect, and perhaps that is why He chose them. I would like to share with you my Church and my beliefs for I know there are others out there that are like me and feel out of place and perhaps not good enough to spread the word of God. I believe in the Bible and I believe it is open for interpretation. The Bible was written by men, their perspective of events and the impact those events had on them. Men are human and therefore subject to emotion and inflection and I believe that must be taken into consideration when reading the Bible--I do not feel it was ever meant to be literal. I believe in the 10 Commandments and I believe they are NOT open for interpretation. They are very specific and there is no need for interpretation. I believe that Church is wherever you feel the Holy Spirit and closest to God. Whether that be in a building surrounded by others with a steeple over your head or in the forest surrounded by the sounds of nature and the sky and clouds over your head. I believe there are angels among us and they don't necessarily come in the form with wings. Some angels are animals that bring comfort and keep away loneliness. Some angels are children who are wise beyond their years. It has been my experience that many special needs children are gifted with an insight that can bring me to tears and can only come from God. Some angels are people that come into our lives during our darkest hour--they may only stay a short time until we get back on track again, and then they are gone. Some angels can not be seen but they spare our lives during horrific accidents; car, plane, train. I believe in miracles. I have learned to not take seemingly ordinary things for granted, like rainbows, a full moon, the stars, sunsets, a flower that has found a way to grow between the cracks of a sidewalk. I have been known to pull off the road just to take a picture of God's beauty and try to capture it, but we never really capture it do we? We can only admire it for the moment. I believe we are not promised tomorrow. If you have ever known the loss of a loved one, you know that every moment is precious and when its gone, it can never be relived. I believe that words can make a difference in a person's life. Whether they be words condemning someone, words of cruelty, encouragement, love, inspiration--one word can change a life. So be careful the words you choose. I believe one person can make a difference in the world. It may not be the whole world but one person can make a difference in SOMEONE's world. And it just might be the difference that it takes for that someone to make a difference in another person's world--see where I'm going with this? I believe each and every one of us was put here for a purpose. God doesn't make mistakes. We ALL matter. It may take us a while to find what our purpose is but if we have Faith and listen, God will get us there. I believe we all make mistakes and God does not love us any less because of them. He's already forgiven you for your next mistake. Learn from it and move on. So, where is God? Everywhere of course!!! I believe He lives in each of us. Sometimes He is difficult to see in some but He is there because He never gives up. Perhaps if we would be a little more open to hearing God's Word through the mouth of someone we aren't expecting to hear it from, the Word might become a little clearer. I believe there are people who have been called to preach God's word to a congregation, and there others who are just every day people that have been chosen to tell God's story. I believe we should listen a little closer and if we feel compelled, or led, tell others of God's place in your world, OUR world. And if enough people tell the story, I believe God will smile and we will feel it in our hearts.

America The Beautiful, Home of the Brave and Land of the Free

America has seen better days to be sure. Recently during the Government shut down of 2013 we saw people furloughed, working without pay and only a promise that they will receive it. We saw National Parks and War Monuments closed to tourist because supposedly the funding from the Government was cut off. And those are just a few of the consequences of a dysfunctional Government. But during that time we also saw, and not much of this was reported in the media, a nation that once again came together and do what we best--help each other. Many Government agencies that help those in need were shut down but in several States there were stories of neighbors and communities coming together to aid those that had lost their homes due to fires and couldn't get assistance from Government agencies because they were closed or feeding the homeless that had been going to shelters that were temporarily closed. Friends and family members reached out to help those that had been furloughed by purchasing food for them or helping them pay their bills or simply just cooking a meal for them. America is at her best when times are the hardest. People put aside their differences and join to help others get back on their feet. I've seen this during the tornados in Joplin, Missouri when nature wielded her power and destroyed everything in her path costing people their homes and lives; during the floods in New Orleans from hurricanes Katrina and Rita when people were forced to live in filthy conditions in the Super Dome; during the fires in Colorado when people could do nothing but watch as the fires drew closer to their homes; and when terrorists bombed the towers on 9/11 and our Nation's hope was at it's lowest and our fear was at it's highest--there were stories of heroism and Faith. THESE are the stories I choose to dwell on and NOT the picture that the media paints for us. What if the Government shut down had lasted longer? I believe we are resilient and compassionate enough that people would have joined together to help others more. I believe our country would begin to rebuild what we have lost, our Country's values and foundation. When our forefathers built this country there was no Government, they relied on each other and their instincts. Their values and convictions were strong, family was the most important thing a man could have. I think we need to get back what we have lost. We need to stop letting others do our thinking and decision making for us. We need to take back this country, just like the Veterans did that removed the barricades from the War Monuments during the shut down to allow the public to view it. Government is needed to a certain extent but NOT to the extent that we have allowed it to go. We are not sheep, we are Americans and it's time we started acting like Americans again.

The Loss Of A Child

No parent should ever have to experience the loss of a child. The natural order of death dictates that we as parents be the first to die, with our children and grandchildren gathered around us at our bed side. Yet some of us find ourselves standing over graves of those that were called too soon. Whether it be from an automobile accident, terminal illness, drug overdose, or just some strange twist of fate, the emptiness is the same. One of my friends, Gaye Auger-Laing of Monroe, lost her son unexpectedly on December 23, 2012. Her pain is still new, her journey is fresh. Her therapy is her art and her words. Many of you have lost children and know the path she travels. Many of you know of others that have lost children and are never quite sure what to say to them. Many of you have never experienced either but have children – hold them close, kiss them often, and live each moment as if it were your last. Gaye gave me permission to share her words in the hopes it will bring peace and understanding to others: With the loss of a child comes a whole new world and outlook. Can you imagine that in one split second, the world you awakened to, changed faster than you could take in your next breath? Everything about your normal life is no longer normal. Your family life changes after the death of ones child. We live with happiness in our memories but anger that we outlived our child. We have entered a world in mixed emotions and surviving not only the death of our child but our own identity. It's a walk now of faith and our only goal in that walk to be find our child. We live a life of searching now....Searching for our new identity, searching for some little sign from our child, searching for memories of our child, searching for the right words to say to others to make them comfortable around us, searching for those few minutes in our day where we unconsciously forget that we are mothers of a deceased child. Searching for our path in life, searching for our happy place. We linger between happy and grief 24/7s and never know which one will hit us at any second of the day but have to be prepared with our quick escape and our parting lines as we rush away from others so that they won't feel uncomfortable seeing us exposed to our life of limbo. We open up our hearts and we cry from the separation from our child. We close our hearts and we cry from the darkness of keeping our child's memory out of our minds. We are constantly juggling our personalities and our hearts. Others do not understand it and most would rather not deal with the emotional person you have become and walk away from us. We hurt when that happens because, not only are our feelings on our sleeves but our emotional state no longer allows us to remember that no long ago, we were just like you. We did not know what to say nor how deep the hurt ran so we went back into our comfort zone where our children were alive, healthy and happy. We ignored the possibilities that we could not even allow our minds to go that dark nor could our minds even comprehend going that deep into the darkness of despair. We no longer walk to the rhythm of the moment, we walk to the rhythm of our hearts. For our hearts are forever broken and it is a break no doctor or self can mend. Our hearts have no shields now and our minds have no filters. We know we have to move on. We know we have to change our everyday pattern to the void, we know we are broken...Yet we don't have the mind set to know how to fix us. So we survive and do our best. We are Mothers and we are the strongest of the strong. We have lifted more weight off our chest than any weightlifter could ever lift. We have moved mountains of grief that no machinery could ever move. We have shed tears more rapid than any mighty rivers. We have kept our emotions and words held in more than the strongest levees could ever contain. We are forever a mountain of faith and strength. Yet we live with the knowledge that all of our strength, it could not save our children. Our burdens are our blessings. We walk on in the hope that one day, we will have answers and peace. Our prayers to you are, we never find you walking our same path.

Get Out of My Way

The world is a wide open space full of sights and adventures. Every day is a new day with endless possibilities. Opportunities present themselves all the time. How many times in your life have you heard those phrases? Unfortunately they don’t really have meaning until we are at the end of our ropes and fed up with our lives. We spend our whole lives trying to do the “right” thing and going about our daily routines that we don’t see what can lie ahead. Nothing stands in the way of experiencing new things other than ourselves. When we do realize an opportunity we manage to talk ourselves out of it for very logical reasons, or so it seems. What it really boils down to is we are afraid of change. We are afraid of risk. We are afraid of the consequences of a bad decision. We are afraid to be different. We are afraid to realize a dream because it might not be what we had dreamed. We are afraid to love because we might get hurt. We are afraid. Life is short and each day should be lived as if it were your last. Tomorrow might never come and you will not have experienced all that you were meant to or take the opportunity to become the person you were intended to be because you were afraid. Get out of your way and step out of your box. Put aside your fears and insecurities. You are growing when you are uncomfortable—when you have moved so far out of your comfort zone you have forgotten what it’s like to be comfortable. So, get out of your way and grow and love and laugh and live.

Winds of Change

For the past ten years I have worked at the same office, talked to the same people everyday, sat at the same desk five days a week, eight hours a day. I worked in the same industry for twenty years, the brokerage business. While the industry is constantly changing and evolving and there were new things to learn, to an extent on a daily basis it was like being in the movie “Ground Hog Day”. Sometimes in the mornings before work, I would sit in my car in the parking, enjoying those last few moments of solitude and I would watch as slowly more cars pulled into their same parking places. Even though we didn’t have assigned parking it was like being in a Baptist Church where you and your family sat in “your” pew every Sunday, and you always knew when a family was visiting the Church for the first time because they were sitting in the “wrong” pew!! But I digress, so back to the parking lot; I sat and watched the same cars pull in, the same people get out and walk the same path into the building every single day!!!! It always struck me as a little robotic but over the past few years it has become almost as if I were watching drones make the journey mindlessly, and unemotionally every day. If one were to observe the parking lot at five o’clock in the afternoon, one would see those same drones make the journey back to their vehicles and home to their families, still mindless, unemotional and now tired having given the best of their energy and time to someone else. For many years I was a single mom and so very thankful to have a job that paid decent, had good insurance and allowed me a few weeks of vacation-it felt “safe”. But as I grew older that was no longer enough. I felt cheated, my children were growing up too quickly and I missed so much of their lives by always being at work. I felt my time was more valuable than what I was being paid. Over time I began to hear that voice speaking louder and more often that their must be more to life than THIS. There WAS more to life but in order for me to find that I would have to make a change. And as much as I would like to think that I embrace change a little more than the next person, I will honestly say that it was very difficult for me to step out of my comfort zone and initiate the changes that I knew had to take place in order for my situation to change

Now, I am listening to the voices, initiating change and making a turn down a new path. I am leaving the job I have spent the last decade of my life at and I am going into business for myself. I have discovered that change is frightening, invigorating, energizing, and it makes me refocus on the big picture instead of the day to day drone-ness!!! Nothing ever stays the same, whether it’s by our choice or someone else’s. But change doesn’t always have to bad, change just has to be different. If we don’t have different we will never make mistakes, we will never grow, or learn or become the person we were meant to be. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not advocating that everyone go to work tomorrow and quit their jobs but what I would challenge you to do is to take a chance, do something you have always wanted to do, take one step closer to your dream.

Regrets

Running always clears my mind and today while I was running I started thinking about my life and things I have done in the past. I don’t often have regrets but I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had done things differently, made different choices or taken different paths. And as I reflected on those things I heard a small voice in my mind saying “One day I might regret those things, but today is not that day”. As oftentimes happens when I run and my mind runs too those thoughts stayed with me most of the day. In order to get them out of my head, I must get them down in print. So, I share with you my thoughts:

One day I might regret having never gone to college. But today is not that day because I realize all of the doors that opened up for me regardless.

One day I might regret never having pursued a career in music. But today is not that day because I sing for myself and it brings me pleasure and hopefully it brings pleasure to those that hear it.

One day I might regret marrying three times. But today is not that day because I would not have the beautiful children that I have had I not done that and I would not have recognized and appreciated love when it presented itself.

One day I might regret being associated with some of the people in my past. But today is not that day because they each brought something into my life that wasn’t there before.

One day I might regret making the choice to be a single mom. But today is not that day because my daughter has grown into a beautiful, independent young woman who spent her teenaged years being raised by a man that was better than any biological father she could have had.

One day I might regret being so brutally honest with my opinions. But today is not that day because my mind and conscience are clear.

One day I might regret having a child at the age of 38. But today is not that day because he teaches me something new every day and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

I realized as I was typing this that through life’s unpredictable journey that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with exactly the person I am supposed to be with exactly the children I am supposed to raise and with exactly the friends I am supposed to be surrounded by. But most importantly, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, faults and all. This is how we are molded. I don’t think that one day I will regret any of this. It’s the ride of a lifetime and I’m hanging on with my hair blowing in the wind and a smile on my face and no regrets.